Part 2 of 3: Self-Importance and the Sovereign Self

This one starts with yet another strange, unbidden moment in the life of Ciel— the sort that arrives in the middle of what feels like life falling apart around its edges (sweet lord this death process is a good one), when every strategy I could run has run out, and something else steps in. This was not a moment I created, nor earned, nor influenced to occur willfully in any sense, but a moment that was gifted to me, and in the spirit of sharing the mystic and strangeness of this life, I hope you’ll enjoy the story.

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What if: you are not too much, and you are not too little. You are just turned the wrong way.

That's the claim this episode makes, and it might not be a comfortable one to sit with.

Self-importance gets talked about like it's vanity — too much ego, too much me. But what if it's the opposite of too much self? What if it's a starvation, and the constant checking, measuring, and needing to be seen is just what starvation looks like from the inside?

This episode traces that reframe through four unlikely companions and theoretical frameworks: Alan Watts and his image of the self sealed inside its own skin, cut off from the world it actually belongs to; Iain McGilchrist and the two hemispheres of the brain, one built for direct contact with what's real, the other built only to represent and compare; Heinz Kohut and Alice Miller, who spent careers studying what happens to a person when the mirror they needed as a child was never held up true; and Robert Bly, naming a culture of siblings raising each other because the elders never showed up.

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I pulled a Rick Rubin and just allowed the podcast guest to start talking right away in this one..

Today I'm joined by Jeremy Christopher, a Toltec practitioner based in Brazil who has walked this path since 2006, apprenticed to a nagual for seventeen years, and helped build one of the most active online Nagualismo communities through his site, Nagualismo.com.br. His work — offered through individual sessions rooted in the lineage carried forward from Carlos Castaneda's teachings — moves through territory that modern psychotherapy never or just barely touches: shifting the assemblage point, integrating shadow to reduce self-importance, recapitulation of the events that shaped us, and recovering abilities held in what the tradition calls the ‘cluster’, the luminous memory of our ancestors.

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Part One of this two-part episode ended with me in the dark, having made peace with dying. This episode finishes the story, and offers the second half of the story that changed everything.

In the middle of that acceptance, a small set of feet came padding down the stairs. A daughter crawled into the bed, and the hard-won equanimity I was calling myself to broke open into one clean, animal truth: I do not want to die. That rupture, it turns out, was the teaching. The beings offered a correction that I have been working through ever since: it was never the whole self that was dying. Only a part.

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Most of us have been taught, in a thousand subtle ways, to treat death as the enemy: the thing to outrun, outwit, or simply not think about. In this episode, I want to offer you something different, and something so fundamental to Shamanic (and most other wisdom tradition) practice.

This is the first of a two-part series on one of the most radical reorientations available to a human being: learning to work with death rather than against it — not as a morbid practice, but as one of the most life-affirming things you can do.

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When attempting to work with the deceptive adversary that is our self importance it is necessary to have many tools. Practices like shadow exploration, working with the voice of impeccability, and virtue-based work can be immensely helpful (we’ll explore these a little later in the process), but for today’s practice we’re going to shift to a kinda fun and light-hearted way of loosening its grips on us: shape shifting.

Shamans throughout time have been able to release their attachment to form and shift their consciousness into alternate forms, and this is only possible because they have released their attachment to self and identity so completely. Through the process of consciously identifying with other energies or perspectives—that of the wind, the trees, other species, etc—we can practice this art, and come into greater awareness as to the impacts and effects that our egoic self importance is having on us.

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In this episode of the Initiated Series, we move from an exploration of initiatory tools and perspectives into a more direct focus on who and what helps and hinders us on this path.

Episode 5 is an introduction to our ‘one true enemy’. This enemy is elusive, wily, deceptive, and relentless, and is both exceptionally difficult to notice in ourselves and yet, paradoxically, quite easy to recognize in others. It is also an enemy of enormous appeal and seductive power: not a foe that fights us directly, but that consumes our energy and focus through deception and distortion, and that can corrupt our spiritual path entirely should we not be on the lookout for it always. It is an enemy that has been spoke and taught about for thousands of years, appearing in nearly every lineage of teaching I have come into contact with, though especially within that of Shamanism and Buddhism.

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Patience is profoundly connected to faith—faith in something larger and more wise than ourselves, and thus that knows when and how things should be happening better than we do—and to the willingness to be humble in contact with the unknown. Therefore, the most beautiful practice I know of to encourage the development of patience is the practice of prayer.

This short practice track will lead you through a prayer practice meant to open your heart and mind, relax your ego, and release the pressures and expectations you may be placing on your life process.

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I have made many, many jokes on the podcast about what an awful student I was to my primary teacher. And I deserve the mockery. Of the five years that I studied with her at least two of them were spent learning one thing: patience. Again and again, every time we met for instruction, the lesson would be the same despite the magnitude of my frustration: I needed to learn to slow down, to be more present, and to release the bounty of expectations I had regarding the speed I thought things should be happening at in my life.

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Let’s go on a gratitude-expressing journey.

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“We don’t see the world as it is. We see it as we are.” - Anäis Nin

Today’s episode focuses on the biological and perceptual truths behind the idea that we ‘create our own reality’.

Each of us has a ‘lens’ in our brain that filters our experience. The purpose of this lens is to limit the amount of stimuli and information coming in. This filtering serves a very important function, because without it we would go insane from trying to perceive everything happening around us!

However, the way this lens works is important to understand, and investigate for ourselves, for it inherently shapes the world we live in.

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Tonglen is, by far, my favourite blessing and compassion practice, all rolled into one. I’ve offered this practice previously on the podcast, but here’s an updated, cinematic soundscape version to hopefully walk you further down the path of open-heartedness, generosity, and presence.

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In the Shamanic tradition (and others) there are very specific tools that we are guided to use to meet reality. These tools both form a framework and containment for the difficult process of Initiation—when you’re going through hell they provide a structure and reliable practice that will ground you—and are innately aligned with the quality of a matured, spiritually awake mind.

Our souls are generous, present, grateful, and compassionate, and so we practice these ways of being so as to live our way into that state.

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This week’s floating, peaceful practice track will take you into a 30 minute seated meditation practice, and includes a brief introduction at the start, extended silence, and a dedication of practice at the close. I hope it serves you well.

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After some deliberation (and finally admitting to myself just what is actually possible in my life right now), Initiated has been shifted from a video-based offering into a multi-episode series of podcasts on this channel. The complex process of putting such a large project out has just felt utterly overwhelming, but this way feels the very opposite: sweet, accessible, and really exciting. May these tools be helpful and supportive on your path, and I hope this is an easy way to access them.

And so this is the journey: Every week for the foreseeable future I will be releasing a solo audio track offering the principles, practices, and philosophies of Spiritual Initiation as understood through the syncretic lenses of Shamanism, Buddhism, and modern Psychology. Along with the primary track each week you’ll also see a bonus experiential track featuring some beautiful ambient music from Belltower Audio (also known as my partner, Brent) and a practice aligned with each week’s subject to really support your experience. These practices have nourished and aligned me on my own path, and I offer them with the hope and intention that they will do the same for you.

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As I mention in this episode, many years ago my teacher told me that in the course of human evolution we would split, as a species, and walk down two roads. I have heard this sentiment echoed by many other teachers and lineages.

It has never felt more true than in the last two years, and I feel that we are watching (and participating in) that split, and it is unfolding in a truly immediate sense: there are those who are walking a path that I would perceive to be committed to (as Stella offers in this episode) a ‘Gaian’ philosophy, and those that propose that Trans-humanism and the products of ‘Science’ are what we should place our absolute faith in.

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Welllllll…..hey friends. It’s been a hot minute, hasn’t it?

I’m not entirely sure where the last six months have gone, but my apologies for the abrupt and extended and unexplained absence. I’m so happy to be back here in this space with you all, and to share the powerful conversations I have lined up for the next while.

The Knowing is officially back with a whole new season, a shifted and updated format, and some really, really exciting (and provocative) conversations to share with you.

In this first episode you'll hear all about:

- Where I’ve been hiding out for the last six months.

-An update on the second edition of the deck and the new cards.

-The emphasis of this season and the big questions we're going to be exploring with all new guests and teachers.

-The soapbox I've been hanging out on lately.. (let's still be friends after, please?)

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Amidst the craziness of spring up here there hasn’t been a lot of time for podcasts around here, but I was so very pleased and honoured to get to sit down with my guest for this episode, Asia Suler.

Asia is a brilliant teacher and practitioner based in Western North Carolina, and the creator of One Willow Apothecaries. She has studied with several lineages and styles of healing, including Traditional Chinese Medicine, Dreamwork, Shamanism, and classical Herbalism, and now offers courses and teachings integrating all of these practices into her unique syncretic offerings.

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I hope this finds you all well, and enjoying the movement and release of the liver/spring/eclipse season if you’re in the Northern Hemisphere! It certainly seems to be a time of great awareness and expression of energy, coinciding rather perfectly with the easing of restrictions in many people for a significant shift!

(Not here in British Columbia…we are still very much restrained, but looking forward to movement soon!)

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Hey there lovely people.

We’ve been having some crazy technology issues in recording over the last while, but finally got things together to be able to have this fantastic conversation (minus a blip at the beginning where we had to switch to the ol’ school telephone…We’ll blame the moon, maybe).

Not sure what was in the air (or my water) the day we recorded, but we took on some really big topics in this episode, including:

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